See what a playful Dreamscaping session looks like from beginning to end in this condensed session transcript: from Lightly Touching Upon the Loss, Presenting Problem, Search for Novelty & Felt Sense Memory, Checking in for Purpose, Search for Positive Excitation, Discovery of Unmet Need, Consolidation of the Imaginal Prescriptive Memory, Checking in for Purpose, Assemblage of the Tangible Prescriptive Memory and finally, Processing.
Session 1
LIGHTLY TOUCHING UPON THE LOSS
C: Actually, this time, last year my godmother passed in Brazil. The day after she was in the hospital, my dad walks in the room and says: “I have news about your godmother.” And I said, “Did you find out, is it cancer?” And he said that she passed. And that was my first time seeing my dad cry in my whole life. I really broke down after that, especially since it had been 2 months since I last talked to her.
T: You felt guilty?
C: I did. I thought I’d be able to say goodbye.
T: Of course. You never know.
C: She was really young, in her 50s. She was like a second mother to me. I’ve always been a really sensitive person and artist. My mom’s an engineer. I would always send her my art and call her from time to time when I was stressed or when I had good news. And whenever I had emotional troubles, my mom would ask my godmother to take me out for the day. To meditation places. Yoga classes.
PRESENTING PROBLEM
C: Today, I had things from 8:00 a.m. until 9:30 p.m., back-to-back. It was a lot but I’m definitely going to reach out. [First tell: the term, “back-to-back”. Ct’s need to prove in spite of her “sensitivity” (i.e. bouts of depression/anxiety) that she is an asset to others because she needs little to no breaks.]
T: Maybe this is a blessing in disguise that you’re here today talking about this. Tell me something your godmother would have told you about packing your day like that.
C: She would remind me that I need to rest, and I just can’t give myself to everything. She would remind me how good I’m doing, and she would offer me words of care and reassure me. She would call me her “little rose,” you know, from Le Petit Prince. And say I don’t need to give all of myself to everything. I have that tendency of just putting myself into everything and giving my all when sometimes I need to protect my peace of mind.
T: What special qualities did your godmother have that created this bond with you?
C: She would say all the time, “You’re the child that God sent me” because she had a lot of birth complications after she had my cousin. So, it was this symbolism of God and motherhood tied together. She was just the kindest person on earth. She would walk into a room, and you’d immediately feel peace from her smile, from her eyes. Everything about her was just so full of love.
T: Almost the aura of a saint.
SEARCH FOR NOVELTY & FELT SENSE MEMORY
C: My family also saw her as having really, really saintly qualities. She would see the divine in nature. So, we’d always go out to nature places where we’d find that peace.
T: What would you say embodies the spirit of your godmother and can help you in these times of stress, when you’re taking too much on? You talk about your godmother’s saint-like qualities. That you always felt something from her eyes.
C: Yeah, her love kind of radiated.
T: How did you see or feel that?
C: As a kid, I would imagine this light around her. But as an adult, I would feel this warmth, like the sun. And I have a really big connection with the sun. I love the feeling of sun on my skin. Ct’s felt sense memory.
T: What about that radiating aura of light?
C: It would be a gradient of warm white to pink. And I associate blue with her too because of one of the Mary’s, Mary of Annunciation, she has those colors.
T: Any other saintly quality that stood out that you haven’t talked about yet?
C: Always an emphasis on looking for the good, even in situations of distress. Put yourself in the shoes of others and see things from their perspective. Are they doing something out of malice or as a response to pain or something that happened to them? Seeing the best in people.
T: Thinking of their pain before yours.
C: Yeah, it’s a double-edged sword. It definitely formed my character and it’s something that is really present in my life, both positively and negatively. Mhm. [Two tells: Godmother’s advice may have unintentionally reinforced ct ‘s tendency to consider others’ needs before her own and ct vocalizing “mhm.”]
CHECKING IN FOR PURPOSE
T: What do you want the prescriptive memory to give you when you use it?
C: A reminder that I am getting caught up, again, in commitments and sometimes it’s hard to see that.
T: Could it be helpful preemptively?
C: Yeah. I don’t know…
T: Like, when you’re questioning whether you should add one more thing to your schedule.
C: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [Two tells: ct’s affect lighting up and the repetition of “yeah.”]
T: So, if it’s for preemptive usage, which aspect of your godmother would help convince you that you should not go and add one more thing?
C: Mhm.
SEARCH FOR POSITIVE EXCITATION
T: We have her love radiates and touches you and shows you that she understands why you’re doing that to yourself and loves you unconditionally. Love that comes straight from her eyes, right?
C: Yeah. Yeah.
T: What do we want you looking at to get clarity on the answer of why you shouldn’t add this Next New Thing?
C: The picture that’s coming to me is a tree full of leaves, really vibrant green. And a shade by the tree in which you can still feel the wind.
T: Mhm, ok…
C: And it ties back to the things she would do to take better care of herself. Like, block out time, and not do anything else but just sit and let things come and go. The way to do that was in nature. And that’s how I do it, too.
T: OK. So, there’s two different situations: it’s already happened, and you overbooked yourself and you receive your godmother’s peace and love. But if we’re going to prevent you from overbooking yourself …
C: I see. Okay, that’s when colors are coming back to me. The cream to pink to blue gradient, and… in the middle, cream white. I cannot make out the form. I don’t know if it’s a shell. Or a flower. The first hint of a prescriptive image does not even have a form.
T: That would be perfect, wouldn’t it?
C: Because that’s what she called me! Oh wow, and it’s the flower that Mary carries in religious paintings. It’s a white flower…a lily.
T: Okay. So, this prescriptive memory that helps you get clarity on why you should give yourself more breathing room, would be from nature?
C: Mhm. Where is there nature like that here. On campus near the biomed building there’s a lot of trees, but no beach…
T: Remember this is magic realism, so it can be anywhere. Don’t limit yourself.
C: The beach from my auntie’s village? The colors were all so vibrant there. The water had a lot of rocks, but when the tide was high, the rocks would disappear. And when the tide was low, there were natural pools created by these rocks. And the rocks had kind of moss on them. So, it was like there was greenery but also rock and…
T: What a beautiful metaphor. [Therapist pointing out the metaphorical aspect of the description which can provide wise words to the ct.] What is it saying?
C: Maybe, there’s comfort and love manifested even in hard and painful things. You can walk on rocks. You can swim in the water enclosed by them. But if the waves are really strong and you tumble over but don’t resist, the waves will bring you back. Okay. I see what I’m doing there. Mhm.
T: If temptation is strong and Emily can’t resist and tumbles over, the waves will bring her back.
C: Mhm. I guess it always ties back to her, though, because she would always tell me to look and create meaning out of those things in nature when I had an issue and see how nature deals with it. I want to paint this so bad now. A sky is coming to my mind… [The nature imagery coming to ct is now specific to Emily, not the godmother anymore.]
If it’s sunny outside, I tend to be a bit happier. If it’s cloudy, I tend to be a bit more melancholic. I know this about myself. So, I’m like, OK, how can I make this day better? I could, for example, look out on the waves in the water because I live 5 minutes from the big beach. [Ct is oscillating between godmother’s nature imagery and her own.]
Mhm. What comes to me is I would really like a gradient of all the skies. A gradient of blue to pink to cream but then the cream goes off white and the white goes to gray, which goes to blue and then back to a really intense blue, fading into a soft blue. And it all repeats again.
T: Can I test whether this solution might be the right thing for you? Can you tell me why would a color gradient in the sky be a good visual metaphor for helping you decide, Should I take it on? Should I get out? Should I let things unfold?
C: Mhm. I still get conflicted and not that trusting of my decisions. Whenever I get to the beach, I first assess what’s going on to see if it’s even safe to go on the rocks, or in the water.
Session 2
DISCOVERY OF UNMET NEED
[for belongingness, self-esteem, control]
C: The moment I start to think, I may have to let some opportunities go otherwise I won’t be able to respond as quickly … or I think, Hey, it’s better if I leave, even when they come back and say, “I rather you be here and not active at all than not be here.” Things like that, I now realize, I’d actually thought from the beginning. But would still go ahead with it ….
T: And you learned what from that?
C: I take people on their word too much.
T: It’s hard for you to believe that some people can’t be trusted. Why is that?
C: Because I’m trusting. But not everyone else is like that. I can’t expect that from them.
T: Why can’t you?
C: Also, that I cannot change people.
T: What’s the question that should be asked before you get involved with something, before you make a promise?
C: Am I being realistic about this? Is this wishful thinking?
T: Okay, that’s good.
C: How am I going to be affected by this if I sacrifice myself and expect others will do the same?
T: That’s different, isn’t it? Or— Will they help me do my job? So, it’s not all on you.
C: Yeah. Yeah.
T: Will this thing live up to my expectations?
C: … and will they be considerate of me?
T: Do you like the word “expectations”?
C: Actually, I keep getting the word, “needs.”
T: I’m going to need this on time. I’m going to need you to respond to my calls. I’m going to need you to be patient with me.
C: I feel like there’s something missing. If I put myself first, am I sacrificing an ideal, because I want everything to be perfect?
T: “Sacrifice” is a beautiful word. Another way to look at this is, Am I doing it to prove something?
C: I do have this frustration that I wish I was able to do a thousand things at the same time, but I just can’t.
T: In all these roles you take on, what are you trying to prove about yourself?
C: [Tearing up.] That I’m not as sensitive and fragile as people think I am, or treat me as…
T: There it is! I see the intensity of emotion when you say that. I can see it in your neck and as you swallow.
C: Yeah. Yeah. Because I’ve come to terms with calling myself sensitive and I think it’s a strength, but people tend to see that as a weakness, and it really upsets me.
T: Yes!
C: If I prove that I can do a thousand things without directly affecting my emotional state and be able to hold it together, they’ll see me as strong.
T: You hit on it. And you are proving them right, too. Because when you’re overwhelmed, you conduct business but pay a price for that.
C: Yeah. Yeah, I do need those breaks. I cannot do things back-to-back. I am coming to terms with that.
T: Are you not the type of person that talks yourself into things? And you’re hard on yourself because nobody else but you is really forcing you to do this.
C: Though, yeah— even my mom is like that. She’s able to do a thousand things and…
T: When Mom basically tells you that you are doing this to yourself, do you like hearing that?
C: Sometimes she gets mad at me because I’m not resting and says, Why are you doing all this?
it’s not that I don’t like to hear it, but as a kid, I always saw my mom as a very strong person. Even if she wasn’t, she wasn’t able to show it. Now that I’m older, I see how that affected her. But when I was a kid, I would see my mom waking up early to care for us, take us to school, go to work, come back, get home at 9 p.m. and still enjoy time with us cuz my dad was out of the picture for a while—and still being able to show us that happiness. [Ct is competing against her mother, who appears superhuman in retrospect.]
So, I guess I’ve always kind of put that as how I need to be.
C: . As a kid, I saw my mom as harsh when I was in elementary and middle school. I didn’t want to do homework. I was never the I want to study kid. I studied only the stuff I liked. I wanted to play soccer all day. So, she was always like, You got to study, you got to. If I cried, she would just be like, “Stop being dramatic.” That’s when she would call my godmother to come to the rescue because she couldn’t deal with me. She was so tired. [Admission that mother didn’t consider ct sensitive, as much as lazy.]
At 14, when I emigrated to the U.S. with Mom and my siblings, we switched roles. Mom stayed home to help us the first year because we were having such a hard time adapting to the language. Now I was like, Let me take the hard classes. I’m going to prove that I’m not just the kid who wants to be on the beach all day. I‘m studious; the nice kid in a nice world. Though I was always sensitive in Brazil, I really developed anxiety and depression once I moved here. [Ct is not ready to translate “sensitivity” as anxiety and depression.]
Physically Mom would be there, but mostly because I was 10, I became my little brother’s second mother. He was (5 y/o) and sister (2 y/o). Till this day my brother still looks up to me and asks me things. Yeah. Yeah.
T: You needed your mom to be your mom. So, you wouldn’t have to be a second babysitter.
C: Yeah. I went to therapy a few years ago to deal with this, but it’s still something really internalized in me—that me being emotional and sensitive is a weakness.
T: There’s something else here. Your mother at times was also unable to meet expectations.
C: [Tearing up.] Thank you.
T: Now, you can be the one redefining what it means to be strong.
C: [Tearing up.] Yeah, I guess that’s what hit me. It takes strength to listen to your needs and take them seriously.
T: Exactly and bravo to be able to say, “that’s very nice, but I’m going to have to decline.”
C: But how do I figure out, is this what I want and speaks to my needs?
T: You mean, are you sacrificing a golden ticket?
C: Yeah. Is it a sacrifice or…
T: Maybe a way to look at it is, some opportunities are once in a lifetime, others are not. That presidency position was not once in a lifetime, was it?
C: I do have a hard time with letting things go. Knowing when it’s served its purpose.
C: Is it the slippery (or even not so slippery) rock path where I have to be careful, but it points the right way? Where I can get hurt and fall off the path?
T: All those.
C: Or the waves have grown so high that the path is not even there anymore.
T: Right. All those. But can we circle back now to connecting your godmother’s support to these metaphors?
C: I can see that it’s not the rocks that you can do so much with. It’s the people.
T: It’s about failing other people. Shame. Perceived weakness. It can also be a different metaphor, you know.
CONSOLIDATION OF THE IMAGINAL PRESCRIPTIVE MEMORY
C: Maybe that’s why I need to look at them for their characteristics again. Mhm. How can I turn my back on all of that and basically move away from the water and rocks and turn towards the safety of the shore?
T: See it in your mind’s eye. Maybe you’re looking up at the sky, not at the shore. Or at your feet in the
C: Yeah. I like the sky one because it actually happened to me! I was looking up at the sky, only the sky —and I felt peaceful. It made me think clearly, mentally and…
T: Because of what’s going on in your life?
C: Yeah, mother, brother, back at the apartment….
T: You didn’t even mention that earlier because you try not to pay attention to the environmental stressors. I think you didn’t want to draw my attention to that. Meanwhile, the sky, it’s a blank slate.
C: And since the sky is the only thing in my vision, I get to feel the wind a lot. Like the godmother. My senses really turn on and that makes me get out of my head.
T: It’s almost a spiritual feeling, between you and God instead of between you and all the people you’re failing.
C: Yeah, it kind of takes the people out of it and really focuses on my senses.
T: Are you ready to refocus on yourself? About prioritizing me?
C: This plays into me believing I deserve rest.
CHECKING IN FOR PURPOSE
T: Let’s double-check. How is a visual of the sky going to be helpful to you when you’re deciding whether to say yes or no or goodbye to something? When you’re worried that a project without you will be ruined, or the people will hate you for leaving? Is there a mantra that comes out of the sky image that you say to yourself?
C: When I think of the sky, I think that it’s not constant. It changes color. Yeah. The sky can be in motion when I’m stuck. Maybe I’m thinking, “This is beautiful. This is the best I’ll ever get.” But I’ll never know unless I walk away. Maybe I’ll see something better. Or maybe I’ll see something worse. Maybe I’ll feel something different. Maybe I’ll encounter something else. But if I don’t continue walking …
T: If you don’t exit…
C: I like the exit. I think that’s right because when you exit, memories are still in your mind, but you’re not there anymore.
T: Could the mantra be something like, Is it time to exit? Is it time to go?
C: I like the words:”to go.” Because I think I’m letting something go that is still in my mind. I tend to keep thinking about what I want it to be, not what it actually is.
T: Right. You don’t want to settle. I think when we hit it exactly right, that sky can help you remember the wisdom of your godmother and your own inner wisdom not to talk yourself into things, just because.
C: Mhm. Yes. Things are unpredictable sometimes. But I can find the answer now because being reminded of my godmother’s calming presence reminds me how to be at peace, which is the core of who I like to be and who I am.
T: The true test is when your spring break is over. When you glance at the gradient, how do you think it will facilitate what you should do next?
C: Yeah. Mhm. I have a whiteboard I could put it on there. It’s usually filled with my art there. But even though I love these visuals, maybe sometimes I just need some empty space. Yeah,…
T: Because you get overstimulated?
C: I often am. But I really like the emphasis on the photographic aspect of memories. I know the colors I like and they’re usually in the sky.
Session 3
CONSOLIDATION OF THE TANGIBLE PRESCRIPTIVE MEMORY
C: After coming up with that gradient of colors I can associate with my godmother, and the sky and wind she loved so much, I feel like, literally, the fog dissipating, and I get a clear vision of why I was getting frustrated. Before I always thought it was something with me. I do struggle; I do have depression and anxiety. But I’d ask myself, Am I crazy? What’s going on? To sleep more or be alone, I considered a weakness. So, I always had to prove to myself that I could push through. I could, but it wasn’t good for me. I’d lose myself.
Session 4
PROCESSING: 3 MONTHS LATER
C: Now I’m seeing exactly what is causing what. Seeing my responsibilities and problems from a relaxed perspective. I wouldn’t have been able to see it that way if it wasn’t for the playfulness of the sessions. I knew I needed to get control of what was out of control, but I was just grasping in the dark. Either I didn’t know what to do, or would have done something I didn’t need to.
Before we worked together, I still didn’t fully acknowledge that my godmother was dead. Before, thinking of her would bring pain. I hadn’t talked to her for months. I didn’t say goodbye. Transforming the feeling of my godmother – her qualities —into colors helped me do what she might have wanted me to do. To do calm things.
When my motivation is not enough, my godmother’s legacy and strength keep me going. I see it as a motivation to do what I want to do—art!— and I can see now how healing it can be
When my mind is racing, I think of my godmother, first, in a place of comfort. Then I see the color gradient and what pops up is her dancing in between the colors. Memories, moving through those colors. Looking at the color gradient is a reminder to take a step back and look at my options and choices. I have put it as one of my lockscreens, and whenever I feel myself spiraling, I change to it so I can be reminded of my godmother, and consequently to take a breath; that it will all be okay.
