See what a playful Dreamscaping session looks like from beginning to end in this condensed session transcript: from Lightly Touching Upon the Loss, seeking Felt Sense Memories of Positive Excitation, Novelty-Seeking & Elicitation, Checking in for Purpose, creating the Prescriptive Memory and Tangible Dreamscape, and finally, Processing.
LIGHTLY TOUCHING UPON THE LOSS
T: When did you first feel the loss of your musical self?
C: The specific moment is when I gave up my love and dream for music and more specifically, singing. That was, at one point, my entire identity. What everyone knew me as. And then, as I went through some trauma and some unfortunate experiences in my youth, I closed myself off from that even being something I enjoyed. It’s almost bittersweet in a way because when I do have some enjoyment for it, it’s not how it was and there’s some grief and loss from that part of me. …
T: When did the love of music start?
C: My father was very involved and passionate about music. He was in bands and so I grew up running around band practices, absorbing it all. I told I was singing before I could even talk. And I think that’s another thing that kind of brings this up too, because I have a 2-year old daughter who’s singing and dancing constantly. And she’s been singing before she could form words and has impeccable pitch for a 2-year old and I’m just like, my goodness! It brings up thoughts of me at her age.
T: But now, it’s a kind of deadened part of you.
C: Yeah, yeah. Which is really sad. it feels so separate from me now, like that part of my life is almost abstract.
T: And you know how as therapists, we’re always hunting for bodily sensations. So, when you listen to music under any circumstance, can you be enlivened?
C: Yes. Music’s actually one of my biggest coping skills. I have a little commute to work, but I don’t mind it because that’s like Me Time, listening to music in the car. It’s the performing part of it that I’ve lost.
T: When was the last time you actually tried?
C: I think in the car…recently within the last week. Yeah, I’ll just sing when I’m by myself kind of thing.
T: Is it Involuntary . Or are you more self-conscious about it?
C: Self-conscious about it. I’m more critical of myself because, your voice is a muscle. I feel like I’ve fully lost it but I know I’m not actively practicing as I once did back in the day.. So, when I make a mistake or my range isn’t as strong or if I’m not hitting notes, I get very critical of myself and that’ll bring on distorted thoughts. It’s like, you’re not even doing this anymore.
THE UNMET NEED
T: Does that critical voice feel familiar?
C: It stems from my upbringing. My mother was very distant and was actually diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and so being present was not within her bandwidth. My dad, basically when he hit his 20’s stopped aging, so a fun guy. Yet, however distracted he was by his own vices, whenever I’d write a song, or if we were at one of his practices or a party, he’d pull me out to sing it to him, to everybody. The positive attention made me feel good, and important. It would bring me warmth and that was what I was craving that I wasn’t getting otherwise. That would be where that critical voice is like, If I’m not gonna meet that standard and my needs not gonna get met, then what’s the point of even doing it?
T: But how amazing that these two people created [this musical child]. And fabulous mother to boot….
C: Yes, I am. And sometimes I have to be careful that I’m not. Too overbearing (laughs). No, that is very important to me. Making sure that I’m doing my best, and also giving myself grace when I am not perfect.
T: That’s probably what we’re doing here (laughs). You have to give yourself grace because you generally don’t…
C: No, I don’t.
T: All right, so there’s a kind of self-punishment here. But for what? Do you tend to relate things that if I do this, then certain things will harm me? A kind of karmic Rube Goldberg?
C: I do think that I struggle a little bit with that in relation to my trauma. I think there’s a fearfulness that something may happen to me.
T: Maybe the strategy for the prescriptive memory, then, is to create a means of dispelling that fear. If you could somehow saturate yourself with the positives associated with your music-loving daughter — because sometimes the best exorcists can be our children because of their innocence.
C: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think that sounds great.
T: So, when you hear your daughter singing unabashedly, you ever feel like joining in?
C: Mm-hmm.
FELT SENSE MEMORIES OF POSITIVE EXCITATION
C: I do, I do and sometimes what’s funny though, and this makes me chuckle —Is that when I do join in, sometimes she’s all about it, and other times she’s like, No, I’m singing and I let her do her thing. I LISTEN TO HER [excitation], and it makes me laugh because I see myself in her.
T: So, let’s say, like the Miracle Question: If you could wake up free of how your love of singing and performing is entangled with this unmet need, what would that be like? When you play the prescriptive memory in your mind, what would you want it to remind you to do, or to feel?
C: I think I would like to be able to enjoy music, singing especially, feeling more free.
C: I think because that part of it is holding me back, it’s not so much that I feel like I still need that level of attention now, but that it’s just the reminder of it from the past that’s painful. I don’t want these chains attached to it. I want to just be able to live…
T: …with your eyes closed. No need to scan the room and see if somebody is noticing you’re doing these things.
C: Right.
NOVELTY-SEEKING & ELICITATION
T: Okay, so, I have a little book called “Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Nancy,“ of Nancy and Sluggo fame from the 40s. I’m thinking about a similar primer we could create, “Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Lily.” [Therapist eliciting novelty].
C: She’s just very carefree and … I’ve been very blessed with a child who looks at the world very kindly.
T: Okay, now if we’re writing a book, with Lily as philosopher, what would she teach us?
C: She’s open to new experiences. She wants to learn. She’s very free.
T: Put that into an action verbs. So, the first page would say…
C: Yes, yes, I got it now. Be open. Be carefree. Be vocal. Be brave. Be loving. Be kind. Be joyful. Be stubborn (laughs).
T: Stand your ground, right?
C: Yes. Stand your ground. Be thankful. Be excited about new experiences. Be friendly. Be caring.
T: Now, I’m going to repeat them back, one at a time, so you can tell me more specifically what Lily is teaching us. The first one, Be carefree. Because?
C: It doesn’t matter what people are thinking, or if they’re watching. Just do it because you like it.
T: Perfect. Be vocal. Why be vocal?
C: That way, you can communicate your needs straightforwardly.
T: Be brave.
C: That connects with the willingness to try new things. Even if you’re hesitant— like the first day of daycare— when they’re a little worried and they’re like, I’m not sure about that. And you just tell them, It’s okay.
T: What does Lily tell herself? What keeps Lily open to try?
C: She trusts me that she’s going to be okay.
T: Because consistently, she’s been shown she can trust the ones she loves.
C: Yes. And she has a lot of confidence about her.
T: That’s a result of what, do you think?
C: I’m not sure. I feel like it’s connected to … her bravery?
T: Yeah. Mmm.
C: A result of her feeling safe.
T: … because you make sure she’ll be okay.
C: Otherwise, that might be scary.
T: Right. Going back to the Lily philosophies again. Be loving, Be kind, Be caring. Because?
C: It relates to acknowledging that people deserve kindness, care and support.
T: But why? Why do people deserve that?
C: Lily treats people how she wants to be treated. If another kid at school gets upset, she’ll ask, Are you okay? and try and talk to them. She’s very empathetic. (pause) I’m struggling with this one because it’s a little more abstract.
T: Think back as a child: there were times you’d have liked to feel you deserved better.
C: Yeah. Yeah, I’d agree with that.
T: And not in a selfish way, right?
C: No.
T: Would it be fair to say, every child deserves to be treated well. Let’s put a star there and move to Be joyful. Because?
C: I connect to that one. Because I’m allowed to be happy.
T: What does Lily know from “allow”?
C: Mm-hmm. (pause)
T: This one’s also hard for you. Notice, how formal your language got just now.
C: It’s hard. Also, more of an abstract thought for me.
T: We’ll come back to it. What about: Be stubborn. Because?
C: Yeah. (Long pause). I’m genuinely thinking about this one. Because it’s okay to disagree?
T: It’s safe to disagree. Because?
C: Well, Lily’s exact words are I don’t want that. I don’t like that.
T: Right! Be stubborn, because when something doesn’t feel good, you don’t have to take it in.
T: Be grateful?
C: Lily’s very direct about showing gratitude… so much, all the time. I put her shoes on. She says, Thank you. I buckle her in; she says, Thank you. I hand her her milk. She goes, Thank you, I mean unless she’s in a little mood she is very appreciative all the time and if I don’t say You’re welcome fast enough, she says it herself!
T: She says all this, because she gets something from saying it. But what is it?
C: (Pause) I am having a hard time with this one, too. (Pause) She sees I’m happy when she’s grateful?
T: Uh-huh. Just as I feel your happiness right now.
CHECKING IN FOR PURPOSE
T: What happened with this Choir Director who was your “second mother”?
C: It was right at the beginning of the year and auditions were coming up for senior musical. Despite everything going on, I decided I would audition because I thought, maybe this will distract me. I did the best I could and the results were posted. Well, she didn’t give me any part (just something so that I could still participate). I never brought it up again. But I took it as a betrayal. And it was in that moment that I just was, Never mind. I’m going to just erase music from my life. All music.
T: Weird, but this morning, I was reading about the vengeful nature of crows. They hold grudges. But not against themselves.
C: Yeah.
T: So, maybe we have to erase this grudge and bring in another kind of love. A daughter’s love.
C: Yeah.
T: Getting back to Lily. What would Lily do if you came and said, “I’m really mad at what just happened and …” you shared your grudge.
C: Yeah. I think she’d come and say, “Are you okay?” and then she’d ask if I was sad or mad, and I would tell her and then she would give me a kiss and a hug, and say, “All better.” Or “Are you happy now?” As if I had a boo-boo. And then I’d say, “Yes, “and then she’d try and get me to go play with her somewhere.
T: Is it typically hard to do that after you’re mad — to go and play with her?
C: It is. Because it takes me a little bit.
T: Is there something forming in your mind that when you look at it, it could remind you to remember to do something different this time?
C: The words that keeps popping up in my mind is to let it go.
T: Yeah. Good.
C: To just let it go and not let this feeling or this emotion keep me from enjoying a moment with my daughter, or going out, or …
T: … singing a song.
C: Let go of all these thoughts and feelings still inside.
T: What helps calm your mind?
C: Remembering my daughter is the most important thing to me. Thoughts of her —even though it might take a bit initially—could bring me back. Those times when she gives me a kiss and the feeling is still lingering, I can still get up and go play at the food truck with her.
T: And when Lily is not there to give you a kiss, could the prescriptive memory maybe operate as a proxy?
C: Yes. I could imagine little Lily the Philosopher sort of warming me up.
T: Yes?
C: Yeah, yeah, it would be when I have to get out of my head and feel more confident about singing. Even when I’m alone in the car, sometimes I don’t want to hear myself mess up …
T: …and start up the inner critic.
C: I’m thinking if I listen to music daily, intentionally, that’s when I could let myself be more free, no matter what song is on, regardless if I know the words, regardless if I feel like I can hit that note or not.
T: Right.
C: Just kind of let myself be free with it and then use the thought of joyful, loving Lily to combat those negative associations
T: So that you’re singing for the joy alone.
C: Right. Because I can hit the notes.
CO-CREATION OF TANGIBLE PRESCRIPTIVE MEMORY [photomontage]
C: This goal does not feel out of reach for me. I think it’s definitely something I’m more than willing and almost looking forward to actually give a shot.
T: So, would you like me to help you create the tangible dreamscape? Or do you think that the mental picture is enough? Because we can do things with a photograph of Lily. You don’t even have to be in it.
C: I do feel it’s strong enough and I’m willing to do the picture for the experience of it.
T: So, if we were to look for photographs of Lily, those would be ones where she basically has the expression of a philosopher.
- LILY
C: [Emails first photo of Lily]. This is Lily’s thinking face.
T: Ah, OK, but see there’s no white in the eye. And she’s looking away from the camera. I think she needs to be looking directly at you.
C: [Emails 3rd photo of Lily]. How about this one?
T: Now her eyes are bright. She looks happy. Oracles usually are (laughs).
C: Yes.
T: Also, her hands are doing something important — they’re reaching out towards the camera, holding a plate of cookies.
T: And she’s talking directly to you. If we empty the plate, look what happens. She’s almost saying, Drop that grudge, drop that mood right on this plate.
- BACKGROUND
C: I’m picturing Lily being outdoors. Almost like she’s a little fairy in a forest. Nature is very healing for me.
T: Do you find certain kinds of skies and clouds magical?
C: Maybe less sky, more forest.
T: Okay. What kind of forest? Apple? Olives?
C: I like olive trees. They’re very whimsical-looking. Mmm. What about this one? [Emails link to image]. The leaves are yellow; it’s an olive orchard in the Fall, like now.
PROCESSING
T: It’s been one hour. That’s sometimes how fast this works. I never write about the duration of a session because nobody would believe me.
C: No, I enjoyed this. I didn’t know what to expect to be honest, but I did think this was very helpful.
T: Do you feel anything different in your body?
C: Yeah, actually, I’m feeling a little less heavy.
T: Where did you usually feel heavy?
C: A lot in my head but a lot in my chest, mostly.
T: What surprised you about the process?
C: Even though it didn’t feel structured, there is still a sense of structure that guided me. I really liked when we did the Lily philosopher questions, getting into the challenging ones, and struggling. That struggle actually helped elicit further insight and further connection to my daughter, which made it a lot easier to then come up with a truer, more meaningful and more impactful prescriptive memory. It didn’t feel really structured. Still that being said, I can tell that you had a system for what you were doing. That allowed a lot of free room for it to go places and still keep me on track to hit the goal
